My oldest son is four and a half years old. For two and a half years, he has been fully cognisant of the mechanics of going to the toilet. He knows when he has to go. He knows how to go. He can hold it. He doesn't wet the bed. But five or six times a day, he pisses or ****s himself. We've tried absolutely everything. We've read every book. We've tried every reward and punishment imaginable. We've taken him to a psychiatrist. We've given him ownership of his own bodily functions. We gave him a whole year with zero pressure for him to decide on his own. His brother, who will be two next week, is fully trained. I thought for sure that would push him over the edge, but no. He doesn't care that his peers ridicule him. I'm at my wit's end. What the **** will make this child not piss and **** himself? He has seriously never once in his life decided to go to the bathroom himself. The experts are all wrong. I need help from somebody who is not a pediatrician or child psychiatrist.
Potty raining: need anything-but-expert advice
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Yes, we have tried the first thing anybody the world over will suggest. Also, he's not a two-year-old. As I've already described, he's not motivated by any reward or punishment. It's not a case of finding the right reward. It's a matter of figuring out why he chooses not to use the toilet.
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I assume you have tried the "torture weekend/week" where you refuse him the ability to use diapers/pullups and do a lot of laundry till he makes the decision to do it himself?
Sorry to be so obvious. I feel for you, that's tough. What the hell do you do? He can't go to school without being potty trained. is he interested in going to school or maybe he ISN'T, and he knows refusing potty training is his last ditch attempt to avoid it?
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I would probably try a whole new tactic...give him underwear and all of the tools to use the bathroom himself. When he has an accident, act completely uninterested and hand him the cleaning supplies, make him start the laundry, stop playing and take a shower, etc. Make it painfully annoying for him to have an accident. In the meantime, make a big deal over the 2 year old going on the potty...so you're reinforcing good behavior but basically giving a very limited reaction to the accidents.
And I'd probably talk about starting school and how only potty trained kids can go to school (or take swim lessons, or karate, etc - whatever you think he would like). Maybe someone can "invite" him to an activity where he has to be potty trained to do it, to see if he shows any incentive to change his ways. My friends son was 4.5 years old and did the same thing and the only thing that motivated him was to go to school like a big kid. I think they bought him a back pack and lunch box, etc - but it was only for big kids who went potty.
And I'd probably talk about starting school and how only potty trained kids can go to school (or take swim lessons, or karate, etc - whatever you think he would like). Maybe someone can "invite" him to an activity where he has to be potty trained to do it, to see if he shows any incentive to change his ways. My friends son was 4.5 years old and did the same thing and the only thing that motivated him was to go to school like a big kid. I think they bought him a back pack and lunch box, etc - but it was only for big kids who went potty.
Wow, that's tough. Sorry to hear about the trouble.
Our guy was 3.5, and we were really concerned. He's independent, but bull headed. He knew that we wanted this, and he wasn't going to do it. Also, he is not reward motivated, nor does he fear punishment. He just takes it in stride.
Praise did little at the time. It's better now, though.
He just clicked one day and decided it was time. He asked for underwear. That was it. Around this same time, his behaviour changed...for the better. Some part of his brain matured.
Not sure what else to say...Do you know any child/youth workers? Social-service type workers that help in schools?
I find they may have more practical experience, as opposed to a psychiatrist. A friend of mine does this for a living (thankless job), and she always has really good advice when we are stuck.
Our guy was 3.5, and we were really concerned. He's independent, but bull headed. He knew that we wanted this, and he wasn't going to do it. Also, he is not reward motivated, nor does he fear punishment. He just takes it in stride.
Praise did little at the time. It's better now, though.
He just clicked one day and decided it was time. He asked for underwear. That was it. Around this same time, his behaviour changed...for the better. Some part of his brain matured.
Not sure what else to say...Do you know any child/youth workers? Social-service type workers that help in schools?
I find they may have more practical experience, as opposed to a psychiatrist. A friend of mine does this for a living (thankless job), and she always has really good advice when we are stuck.
Wow that is really tough. I'm sure hearing the same advice over and over is painful. Our son has some
behavioral challenges and it is always a joy to hear what other expert parents that don't experience such challenges have to say.
The only thing I can think of that you might want to try is to have him spend the day in the house naked. They can be a bit less likely to go without something to catch it. We did this with our son. As far as rewards go, I know you've tried everything. I had a rather obnoxious but effective system for our son. My brother collects matchbox cars and sent us about 150 new cars over the course of a year. We let our son pick from a box of new cars after every successful bathroom experience. It was overkill, but better than gifting him 150 matchbox cars. I think it was a bit empowering to pick himself. You could spend $20 and give it a shot if your boy likes them. We still keep
up a
Our daughter trained just after two with no significant incentive. I figure that she is on par with the children of all the other expert parents that like to dish out advice.
behavioral challenges and it is always a joy to hear what other expert parents that don't experience such challenges have to say.
The only thing I can think of that you might want to try is to have him spend the day in the house naked. They can be a bit less likely to go without something to catch it. We did this with our son. As far as rewards go, I know you've tried everything. I had a rather obnoxious but effective system for our son. My brother collects matchbox cars and sent us about 150 new cars over the course of a year. We let our son pick from a box of new cars after every successful bathroom experience. It was overkill, but better than gifting him 150 matchbox cars.
I think it was a bit empowering to pick himself. You could spend $20 and give it a shot if your boy likes them. We still keepup a
Our daughter trained just after two with no significant incentive. I figure that she is on par with the children of all the other expert parents that like to dish out advice.
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This works.
This works better in the summer because you can put them outside in a long tshirt. We had to do this with my younger one. It took about three pees and that was the end of that! My older one ran in the house and yelled "mom!!! P peed in the sewer!!!!" He just really did not put two and two together.
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