I know I kind of spoiled the video, but I wasn’t going to watch this video because I thought it was just going to be a case of two cars racing with one car (the T-Roc R) lagging behind. More fool me.

I forgot that weight and size do actually matter, even if we’re the age of ridiculous power and torque. Turns out, size and weight really do matter because this lowly T-Roc R beats the pants off of a Porsche Cayenne Coupe and a Mercedes AMG GLE 53.

Admittedly, both of these can go faster if you’re willing to drop more cash on the problem, but they are an AMG and a Porsche. And they already cost a lot more than the T-Roc. The bigger SUVs cost nearly twice as much as the VW and weigh nearly a metric tonne more than it, too.

That weight, though, is pitted against 462 hp in the Porsche’s case and 435 hp in the AMG’s case and an electric motor that supposedly gives them good off-the-line grunt.

So, obviously, the T-Roc R wins the braking test. But it also wins the standing drag race and the rolling drag race. The only race that the Porsche can claw back is the Sport-mode rolling rumble.

I’m not one to go in for all that “speed is the ultimate expression of vehicle value” nonsense, but if I was in my AMG and a T-Roc ran away from me, I think I’d turn on the satnav, find the nearest body of water, and drive right into it. Goes to show you what the EA888 can do.